I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
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I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
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I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works