i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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