There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
