That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Randomize
