marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
