woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
