sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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