when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Randomize
