Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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