I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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