I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
