You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
