I heard we made out
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
