In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
