I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
love makes seman taste better
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
