So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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