If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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