well I can't set my house on fire every night
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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