Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
