stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
