so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
