I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
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