Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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