my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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