saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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