She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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