I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
