Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
