just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
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three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
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Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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