Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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