Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Randomize
