the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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