good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
