You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
