I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
