She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
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