Just fell off a train. Bad.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize