Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
