Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
