Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
