Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
