My room smells like vodka and shame
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
