I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
