is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
