I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
