she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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