my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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