Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
