Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
