can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
