Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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