ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Randomize
