Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I have aggressive nipples.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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