update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
