so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
