Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
